Forget the Chicken Soup

Comfort food getting you nowhere but slightly bloated? Just got dumped/crashed your new car/dog died under the porch/found your best friend sleeping with your lover/boss can't appreciate the brilliance that is you???

First off, are you a feeling person, a physical person or a mental person? Do you adore competing with your buddies, heartfelt conversations with your closest companion or a stimulating book alone undisturbed? Whether you have a big juicy brain, heart or muscles, there is a cure for what ails ya! The sooner you do one of the following 3 exercises, the less likely you will be to drunk dial your ex fiance/freak out/create a masterplan of revenge/get thrown in jail/spin a web of lies/etc...

If you are a feeling person and your feelings seem to do nothing but torture you lately, try spending some time with nature. That's right, plants. The theory is this: plants are pure life with no opinions or will of their own. Wild animals, pretty close. Domesticated animals have inherited some of our nerosis, so beware, but they're still way better than people for the broken hearted. I'm talking wilderness here...or at least some grass and squirrels in the park. In nature, you can literally feel the love, and heal that poor throbbing heart of yours. Nature won't argue with you or call you names. Nature &hearts you.

If you are a big thinker, meditation is for you! Quit mulling over every single problem in your life and try to turn off your thinking machine for a minute. There are a few ways to do this. If you feel silly hanging with the yogis and yoginis, try staring at clouds. Or concentrate on taking 10 deep breaths. And don't sell yourself short, 10 breaths is minimum, go for the gold and do more! When you starting thinking a thought, acknowledge, then let the thought drift away, like a cloud or a breath of air. Thoughts are what you make them to be. Give your big brain a break, you genius you!

If you are a physical person, your best bet is a good dose of endorphins for some relief. If you can't control your urge to punch the millions of unfortunate losers who seem to cross your path, any intense physical activity that gets you in the zone will really help allieviate life's troubles. That feeling of being in the flow is what we're going for here, when your body is in autopilot/SUPERHERO mode.

Many of us are a combination of body-mind-soul, as we very well should be. So when your daily run isn't the high it use to be, try a walk in the woods and some time laying in the grass watching clouds. The idea is to remember, you really have no control over life...que sera sera, whatever will be, will be, so why not figure out a way to relax and give yourself a break in the meantime? You'll be HAPPY you did :)

xo a

Ask Angela: I'm shorter than her, now what?

Dear Angela,

I have a crush on the most wonderful lady. She is very tall and is uncomfortable that I am so much shorter than her. Being a love kamikaze pilot, I am going for it anyways. She is so much taller than me, that I realized that she would not be able to fit into my bed. I even measured my bed with a tape measure! After worrying about it, I did the math and discovered though the magic of the Pythagorean Theorem (a^2+b^2=c^2), that she would fit diagonally.Now that I know that she fits, how I can I help her be more comfortable with my height? Should I just say love me or leave me? Are there any fashionable alternatives to elevator shoes that you can recommend?

Signed,
Hypotenuse Lover

Dear Hypotenuse,

I must start off by saying that you are certainly the most charming mathematician I have ever had the pleasure of corresponding with! Your hypotenuse theory is well formulated, but prematurely applied. First things first: courting a woman of stature.

In an ideal world, the height issue would be completely superficial and wouldn't even come close to affecting matters of the heart. But the fact is, it is rare (if not impossible) for a gal to feel romantically linked to a chap without being attracted to him first.

The good news is that you have a chance to win this girl despite your lilliputian stature. Here's a big hint: Nothing is more seductive than someone who feels good just being themselves. Let Tom Cruise handle the elevator shoes and just wear what makes you feel good. Be yourself, Einstein, and don't let your height paranoia get in the way of enjoying the time you spend with this special lady friend.

If you and this lovely glamazon are meant to be, it will happen naturally. And please remember, theories can be proven wrong, but only through thorough experimentation: for this, you will need many participants of all heights. Don't limit yourself!

xo a

Love: What it is, what it ain't

Marriage never really crossed my mind until I encountered true love because it seemed like a big bunch of crap to me. I'd venture to say most people feel the same. Unless you REALLY need to throw a big party for yourself so you can get together with all you friends and family and get dressed up and eat good food. I mean, you can do that anytime, and you certainly don't have to limit yourself to one big blowout that is supposed to last you for the rest of your life (!!!) Love inspires many things.

Marriage, techinically, isn't love at all. It's a legal contract to be partners in home life and child-rearing. Until you desire a home life and/or children, it's a totally ridiculous concept that is a little outdated, but has it's perks, fer sure! Perks are sweet. No wonder people fight for gay marriage! But I'm sorry, I'm pretty sure I could have a pretty awesome home life with my friends. Kids would probably have more fun living with me and my friends than some crabby married people that want to kill eachother.

But there is a poem that marriage ceremonies have made famous, and it's sort of salvaged the whole marriage concept for me. My proposal (heh heh, get it??) is that people start learning this poem as young as possible, and practice it all the time with alllll people, not just one person! To get this right the first try would be IMPOSSIBLE. And no, it's not about getting it on with everything on two legs.

Let me break it down, I'm not feeling poetic. Be warned, I'm going to embellish here. You'll recognize it if you've ever been to a wedding, but don't freak out when I tell you I got this from the B-I-B-L-E ;-) It's Corinthians 13.

Love is...
Patient
Kind
Celebrates the truth
Protective
Trusting
Hopeful
Sticks with you through the tough times
...and love always conquers all!!

Love totally isn't...
Proud
Stuck up
Self-centered
Angry
Possesive
Getting all excitable about other people's mistakes

I think we could all be a little more patient, kind, protective, trusting, hopeful and faithful with each other. Our friends, family, co-workers, hot dates, boyfriends, girlfriends, mailman, girl at the check-out lane...

Then when things go wrong with your spouse or partner or whatever you like to call each other, you won't be left feeling so lost. You'll be pretty good at sharing the love, and feeling just fine. You'll proably move on faster, need be, and get better and better at being a good partner too, because you'll be a LOVER. A person who's good at patience, kindness, protecting others, trusting, and having some hope and faith.

Because, come on, even dogs can get it on.

xo a

Mental Feng Shui

There's some mighty fine advice in these words, even if you're not superstitious. This Lotus Touts has been brought to you with good luck from the Anthony Robbins organization:

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
FOUR. When you say, 'I love you,' mean it.
FIVE. When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.
SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly. THIRTEEN! .. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
FIFTEEN. Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.
EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
TWENTY- ONE. Spend some time alone.

Have a lovely day!
xo a